Top 5 books to give your cat for Christmas

Every year there are countless lists of books to get for your mom or your uncle or your craft-loving best friend. The problem is, no two moms are like, no two uncles are alike, and no two craft-loving friends ever make the same kind of crafts. I wanted to create a list that could be more universal.

So while I was staring around the room, trying to come up with a group that was wholly consistent in their interests, my darling cat Nina came into the room, jumped on my lap, placed her furry butt directly on my keyboard, and promptly began licking her armpit.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

Cats! No matter the breed, color, or sex, all cats have one primary interest: themselves.

So today I present to you, the top five books to give your cat, all of which will allow them to better pamper and cultivate themselves into the cattiest cat ever. Livin’ the best cat life, man.

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5. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Every cat likes to think of themselves as a well-versed dangerous killer. It’s obvious by the way that no toe can go unbitten, unchased, and unclawed. To Kill a Mockingbird will allow your cat to display to the world that they think strategy – they plan ahead. Their hunting methods aren’t just all willy nilly and chattering at birds through windows, no, they know what they’re doing. This book in their collection is proof of that.

And while we all know the true plot of this book, it will still give your cat a nice boost to the ego. Why? Because they’re cats. Cats, above all, love themselves. They are too preoccupied with making sure their butt is clean to actually read it. Yep – they will appreciate the opportunity to preen, to show off that they have the book showing they’re killer hunters, but they won’t actually read it, because to them, it will forever be just a conversational piece.

4. The Meowmorphosis by Coleridge Cook, Franz Kafka

What better way to improve a cat’s skyscraper-high self esteem than to get them a book about humans turning into cats? Certainly it can only be a good thing, cats would think. Humans, in their blundering loudness and unrealistic mealtimes (only 3 a day! How do they live?!) could benefit from seeing what it’s like to be a cat. Certainly a transformation such as this will allow the human peons better understand that yes, a cat needs more food. It does not matter if they already have food. They need more.

 

 

3. I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats by Francesco Marciuliano

Every cat, in addition to thinking themselves a killing genius, also knows that without a doubt, they are artistic masters. They display this to you at three in the morning as they belt out their debut solo. One day, someone will appreciate the fine art that is cat song, and then cats will hit it big. Until then, a cat could benefit knowing that there are already successful cats: some of them have been published! Cat poets will let your cat see that yes, they can succeed, they just need to keep trying. Meow louder, meow harder!

2. Crafting With Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make With Your Cat by Kaori Tsutaya, Amy Hirschman

Have you ever been at work, miles and miles away from your cat, and decide to partake in a cup of coffee? Have you ever made that coffee, sat down at your desk or stood at your work station or whatever you situation is, taken a sip of the godly beverage… and found a cat hair in your drink?

Have you ever wondered why these things happen? I have an answer for you.

It was your cat. Your cat stuck their fur to your clothes in the hopes of keeping you warm. They have no thumbs, you see. If they could, they would have made you fur mittens and sent you with those. But alas, they don’t, so they had to just use the raw material.

Cats, while their favorites thing is themselves, care a lot for their human laborers. Without them, they’d have to actually find their own food. Therefore, cats present humans with gifts to keep them alive: fur, dead mice, a hairball to give the space in between your toes a cleanse… if cats could though, they would give you more sophisticated things to keep you safe and warm. Mittens, scarfs, yada yada. With this book, you can teach them how. So really, you’re only benefiting yourself.

1. A Cat’s Guide to Human Behavior by Xina Marie Uhl

Have you ever had a disagreement with your cat – they didn’t want their medication, they wanted fourth dinner, they decided four am was a good time for cuddles, and you found yourself frustrated that you couldn’t just explain to them why you do what you do? Why sleeping at four am is a much preferable activity? This book can solve that. With this book, your cat can finally learn why you sleep: you’re tired. Or why fourth dinner isn’t coming: they already ate. This book is written in a way cats can understand. Once they read it, there is a small, tiny, itty-bitty chance your cat will become more compassionate with your plights. Maybe, perhaps, they’ll understand your point of view just a little bit more. Maybe. Will they still wake you up in the middle of the night with their butt in your face or their smelly cat food breath wafting across your nose? Yes. But now, they’ll do it with understanding.

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I had so much fun writing this post, man. If you’d like to participate in Top 5 Wednesday, you can do so here!